Where to Dump Someone…

It was fun while it lasted, but for some reason it just ain’t working. The left over toothpaste on their face has gone from being quite endearing to gross, and the early morning spoon just p*sses you off. It’s time to get out, and you gotta pick a place to get down to business and finish this off once and for all. BarChick has thought of the best places that are suitable for this intense moment, we’ve got secret exits, comfort food and plenty of strong drinks.

THE MAYOR OF SCAREDY CAT TOWN – If you’re planning on doing a runner

This place is underground and hidden through a SMEG fridge, plus there are good cocktails and (comfort) food.  Order her some chilli fries (she can pretend it’s the spice if she cries) and a strong drink, break the news and go to the toilet, which is in fact the exit, genius escape route.

PASSING CLOUDS – For a quickie

Thursdays see Passing Clouds turn into a swing dance haven, and boy does it get steamy. These cats didn’t care WHO they were dancing with, they were switching up partners every few twists. Get dancing with your partner, break the news and then spin her round and on to the next one… as they look confused and get swept into more dances you can make your escape.

THE DOODLE BAR – If you can’t find the words

Let the pen do the talking, grab a beer, get some chalk and begin to draw a decorative but informative dump. Once they grasp the sad but true realisation that things are over, if they are too upset to talk they can reply in the same way… or go sweat it out over a game of ping pong.

BIG EASY – If you’d rather they dump you

There is nothing more attractive than your loved one being covered in BBQ sauce, chewing aggressively on a rack of ribs and covered in a sheen of grease. If you’re too nervous to say it, just repulse them, grab food off their plate, eat with your mouth open and get dirty… then, go in for a kiss. If they pull away, your work here is done.

BARTS – If you like dressing up

This hidden bar has the perfect attributes for a good dumping spot. Once you have had “the talk” you can say you’re going to the toilet, and then proceed to raid the dressing up box for the best outfit you can find and either mingle with other people or duck out. This place has a sort of hide out den feel to it, so it’s the perfect place to drown your sorrows away from the world outside. Also, the dumpee is bound to get drunk and maybe get lucky with someone rich.

BLUES KITCHEN – If you like a little self pity

The title says it all, this place is made for blues with a huge bourbon and whiskey selection, plus lots of live blues acts (Sunday is the one!). After the deed is done a night of self-pity is encouraged. Grab a bourbon on the rocks, get a seat by the band and drink the night away.

Some genius ideas from some of our helpful twitter crew…

@Citydrinking: MOJO Leeds; open front in the summer for a quick escape, loud music for the crying & it’s so busy it’ll be hard to land a clean blow

@Omanmike: Cro-bar [London W1]; it’s loud so no one will notice the crying and there’s muscle if it turns nasty

@Gjones243: All Bar One – always have loads of space so nobody will be eaves dropping and there’s no chance of your friends being in there

@DominoUK: It’s gotta be @Portobello_Star [London W11] Sorrows drowned in Portobello Gin &/or Hummingbird’s next door for uber-cupcake pity binge?

@TheSpiritBusiness: Clapham Grand [London SW11]. On a Sunday morning. Nothing says ‘we’re over’ like stale booze and vomit odour.

@Vicstewart: consensus here is either really dark or really exposed so u can hide or laugh as appropriate. Def NOT Tower 42 [London EC2]: no escape.

@Hotdinners: Anywhere that’s loud enough to cover up the sound of sobbing or shouting!