It was fun while it lasted, but for some reason it just ain’t working. The left over toothpaste on their face has gone from being quite endearing to gross, and the early morning spoon just p*sses you off. It’s time to get out, and you gotta pick a place to get down to business and finish this off once and for all. BarChick has thought of the best places that are suitable for this intense moment, we’ve got secret exits, comfort food and plenty of strong drinks.
Archer Street – to help them mourn
The guys at Archer Street are there for you when you haven’t managed to get a ticket to a West End musical. With the bartenders and waitresses all having some sort of performing talent you can expect a show number or disco classic to be whipped out whilst you’re ordering your Bellini or coming back from the loo. This is perfect if you’re planning to leave someone. Chat to them and explain your situation, maybe you can break the news gently before “going to the toilet” / making a quiet get away while they serenade your ex with “All My Single Ladies” by Beyonce to give them some sort of empowerment, or maybe “All By Myself” to let them wallow. Then they can head on to Village bar around the corner for some real single lady support!
3-4 Archer Street, London, W1D 7AP
Sunset Strip – to give something back
This is perfect if you’re dumping your boyfriend on good terms and want to ease the pain a little bit. Why not head to sunset strip when the footballs on, grab him an ice cold beer, have “the chat” and get him a lap dance when you leave. Surely that is the best break up ever?! Exactly.
30 Dean Street, London, W1D 3SA
DUCK & WAFFLE – for the LONG chat
You might work it all out in your head but actually sitting down and getting to it will be harder than you think; there will be all sorts of questions, pleading, crying and discussing. One drink won’t cut it, especially if it’s been a long relationship…. you’re gonna need some time! Where else than Duck & Waffle?! High up on the 40th floor, far away from the world below, you can discuss things for literally forever up here, with it being open 24 hours. Get the drinks in, get some food, and get going. When you’re done simply head to the bathroom and jump into the fastest lift in Europe. You’re outta there!
Heron Tower, 110 Bishopsgate, London, EC2N 4AY
The Mayor of Scaredy Cat Town – If you’re planning on doing a runner
This place is underground and hidden through a SMEG fridge, plus there are good cocktails and (comfort) food. Order her some chilli fries (she can pretend it’s the spice if she cries) and a strong drink, break the news and go to the toilet, which is in fact the exit, genius escape route.
12-16 Artillery Lane, The Breakfast Club (behind the Smeg fridge), London, E1 7LS
Passing Clouds – For a quickie
Thursdays see Passing Clouds turn into a swing dance haven, and boy does it get steamy. These cats didn’t care WHO they were dancing with, they were switching up partners every few twists. Get dancing with your partner, break the news and then spin her round and on to the next one… as they look confused and get swept into more dances you can make your escape.
1 Richmond Rd, London, E8 4AA
The Doodle Bar – If you can’t find the words
Let the pen do the talking, grab a beer, get some chalk and begin to draw a decorative but informative dump. Once they grasp the sad but true realisation that things are over, if they are too upset to talk they can reply in the same way… or go sweat it out over a game of ping pong.
33 Parkgate Road, London, SW11 4NP
Big Easy - If you’d rather they dump you
There is nothing more attractive than your loved one being covered in BBQ sauce, chewing aggressively on a rack of ribs and covered in a sheen of grease. If you’re too nervous to say it, just repulse them, grab food off their plate, eat with your mouth open and get dirty… then, go in for a kiss. If they pull away, your work here is done.
Barts – If you like dressing up
This hidden bar has the perfect attributes for a good dumping spot. Once you have had “the talk” you can say you’re going to the toilet, and then proceed to raid the dressing up box for the best outfit you can find and either mingle with other people or duck out. This place has a sort of hide out den feel to it, so it’s the perfect place to drown your sorrows away from the world outside. Also, the dumpee is bound to get drunk and maybe get lucky with someone rich.
Blues Kitchen – If you like a little self pity
The title says it all, this place is made for blues with a huge bourbon and whiskey selection, plus lots of live blues acts (Sunday is the one!). After the deed is done a night of self-pity is encouraged. Grab a bourbon on the rocks, get a seat by the band and drink the night away.
113 Camden High street, London, NW1 7JN
Some genius ideas from some of our helpful twitter crew…
@Citydrinking: MOJO Leeds; open front in the summer for a quick escape, loud music for the crying & it’s so busy it’ll be hard to land a clean blow
@Omanmike: Cro-bar [London W1]; it’s loud so no one will notice the crying and there’s muscle if it turns nasty
@Gjones243: All Bar One – always have loads of space so nobody will be eaves dropping and there’s no chance of your friends being in there
@DominoUK: It’s gotta be @Portobello_Star [London W11] Sorrows drowned in Portobello Gin &/or Hummingbird’s next door for uber-cupcake pity binge?
@TheSpiritBusiness: Clapham Grand [London SW11]. On a Sunday morning. Nothing says ‘we’re over’ like stale booze and vomit odour.
@Vicstewart: consensus here is either really dark or really exposed so u can hide or laugh as appropriate. Def NOT Tower 42 [London EC2]: no escape.
@Hotdinners: Anywhere that’s loud enough to cover up the sound of sobbing or shouting!